After close to 70 years in star-spangled swim trunks, Wonder Woman got a new look this week. It’s about time.

“She’s been locked into pretty much the exact same outfit since her debut in 1941,” Mr. Straczynski wrote. “If you’re going to make a statement about bringing Wonder Woman into the 21st century, you need to be bold and you need to make it visual. I wanted to toughen her up, and give her a modern sensibility.”

The staff at Ego is all for the updated look. Now if only some of our other favorite characters of the past century got a makeover. It might do something for their appeal to a new generation. Here are nine characters that need a shopping trip in the worst way.

Popeye

Does anything on this sailor fit? Hat too small, sleeves too tight and pants like an emo kid. Doesn’t the Navy have the nicest uniforms of all the Armed Forces? Maybe Popeye has been at sea too long but his look needs a complete makeover. Maybe a dress uniform or at least something a little more fitted with a little less blood loss to the extremities. If he looks a little better maybe he can score a chick more attractive than Olive Oil. That broad is one bout of scurvy away from reaching stick figure status.

Betty Boop

This is the amazing thing about Betty; while many women of her time were more covered than an Iraqi woman in the town square, Betty was wearing practically nothing. Short skirts, high heels and visible garters are questionable attire even for 2010. It seems Betty left too little for the imagination much too early in her career. While she can’t go all the way back (Betty Burka?) she could use maybe a nice sundress and a little less face paint. Just so she stays true to the Boop origins, she should go commando. Zero underwear. Wonder how many times Betty has been “booped” over the years?

Charlie Brown

Good grief. The kid has looked the same for over a hundred years. Fine, not that long, but the zig-zag rugby shirt needs to hit the rag pile. Nice matching socks Chuck, did mom get the whole outfit at once from the Salvation Army? Maybe he is treated like such a loser because he dresses like a loser. Let’s also discuss the fact this kid has but a couple hairs on his head. How about giving him a nice toupee or at least buzzed peach fuzz on that chrome dome? The next time “Lucy the doctor” is in Charlie should discuss his emotional scars from prepubescent male-pattern balding.

Calvin

We realize Calvin hasn’t seen a new comic in fifteen years (it’s been that long?) but he still has a huge following in books, online strips and fan art and pissing on the back of trucks and Firebird across the US. Not only should Calvin get a more update appearance, to look like a kid of 2010, but how about the entire comic strip makes a comeback soon? Maybe Calvin becomes a dad and gives Hobbes to his son? Either way, Calvin needs something fresh to attract a whole new legion of young fans.

Tony the Tiger

This is just a discussion of Tony’s athletic apparel (or lack thereof) and will in no way touch on the fact he is a 50+ year old with a huge upper body, small legs and was extremely popular during the PED era. This is a discussion about Tony’s attire and his general unpreparedness for any athletic sport (besides boating or sailing thanks to his way out of date neckerchief.) Parents should wonder why Tony thinks it’s so “Greaaaaaaatttttttttt” while his bat and balls hang out for the whole sports world to see. Isn’t time Tony got a pair of baseball pants or even a Sopranos-style warm-up suit?

The Pillsbury Dough Boy

The Pillsbury Dough Boy has been around since 1965, which explains a lot. At a time when “Free Love” was envouge, you could get away without wearing clothes. But the Summer of Love is over, and thankfully, the hippies are slowly dying off. So the PDB needs to get with the times and put on some god damn pants. It’s disgusting to think that little guy hangs around in kitchen without the slightest thought of covering his genitals. I don’t want to be crass, but bodies sweat, leak and secrete constantly, so maybe the kitchen isn’t the best place for our little naked friend. Give him a redesign, and then we’ll talk.

Yeah, technically he’s not a cartoon, he’s clay animation. But now he’s made with CGI, so same difference.

He-Man

I’m going to cut He-man a little slack. It was the early 80’s, a time when a big dude could get away with walking around like a gay dominatrix without anyone thinking twice about it. But today, getting all greased up and running around in your underwear (except for a few metal accessories strapped to your chest) does not give off the macho-masculine vibe you’re going for, big He. And that cross between a mullet and a bowl cut has got to go. It’s time for an all-black jump suit and a crew cut. And while your at it, stop riding around on a friggen cat and get yourself some real wheels.

Beetle Bailey

Jesus H. Christ, solider! There’s a god damn war on (well, two, actually). And here you are walking around in a uniform that hasn’t been changed since the 50’s? Good god, you’re a disgrace to the armed forces. We’re using digital camouflage now, in case you hadn’t noticed. And where’s your vest? Don’t come crying to me when an IED goes off and you’ve got a piece of shrapnel ripping though your heart.

Captain Planet

“Going Green” seems to be in right now. Every asshole I know is performing some nominal act of “self-sacrifice” like giving up plastic bags or not going whaling with the idea that they are some how saving the planet. While green may be hot, blue is not. Neither is red underwear and green hair. If Captain Planet wants people to take the environmental movement seriously, he’d better start taking his appearance seriously, instead of walking around like a transvestite clown.