Fitness magazines are known for their questionable “advice” columns. Week after week, these periodicals prey on your fears by offering information which is, for the most part, worthless. From losing weight to lasting longer in bed, these mags always seem to “discover” a new and easier way. Since everyone knows it’s bullsh*t, why not go all out by making ridiculously outlandish claims?

Here are 9 fitness mag claims we’d like to see…

Got Cancer? Beat It Before Bedtime

Cancer. The Big C. Silent killer and huge concern among men, especially after a certain age because the screening exams get more and more invasive. “Bend over, let’s see what you had for lunch.” Imagine if cancer was as curable as a common illness? Take a NyQuil shooter and wake up the next morning refreshed and melanoma free. Cancel the chemo and pass the baby oil, I’m going to the beach! How about a couple light stretches before hitting the sack to reverse prostate cancer? If fitness magazines promised and delivered to cancel cancer, I’d buy a copy and put up with the hundreds of ads that are made to look like actual articles.

How to Stop Looking Like a Stalker

Fitness mags have covered every possible piece of equipment and exercise in the gym. How about a little help with every guy’s second favorite workout; following a hot chick around the joint until you accidentally bump into her on the same machine. OMG it’s your leg day too? Wanna split time on the leg curl machine? Many guys are just unfamiliar with how to pull off admiring and talking to a woman at the gym without finally earning their yearbook title of “Most Likely to Offend Sexually.” How about an article detailing the proper way to chat up a fellow fitness fiend? Maybe get the pick-up guy Mystery to give out some tips. On second thought, he’ll have guys peacocking around the place in giant feather boas to get attention. That would be absurd. Everyone knows you only wear boas in spin class.

7 Simple Steps to a Giant Johnson

Health magazines are incredibly concerned about the size of your junk. So much so, that they run hundreds of ads in the back pages with promises of making the barbell in your pants bigger via drugs, ointments and even electro-shock. How about an article with some home remedies to make the little weightlifter stronger? Step 1- Masturbate hourly. Luckily you’ve got that covered. Step 2- Shave your pubes. Think how tall that tree in the front yard looks now that you’ve ripped out all the bushes. Well I’m not going to write this article for you Men’s Health. Get cracking!

6-Pack Abs Just by Masturbating

The cat is out of the bag. You masturbate. We all masturbate. Even that guy your sister is friends with who swears he doesn’t jerk it. He’s just a liar or maybe doesn’t own a penis. Imagine if you could make it into a workout to flatten the tummy in time for bathing suit season? The article could be a fold-out poster of different stomach exercises that would also make for orgasmic hand-job positions. After a couple weeks, you can shave the hair off the stomach to reveal a sweet six pack. While you’ve got the clippers out, give a trim to those hairy palms, as well.

Beer: The New HGH.

Enough with the fruity mixed drink recipes and suggestions for lighter beers in the summer months. Congrats on the Select 55, Budweiser. Is that the number of calories in the bottle or the number of times we’ll be visiting the pisser after one chug of that hops flavored water? Put all those scientists and nutritionists on staff to work and figure out a way to make beer as effective in muscle growth and recovery as HGH. You’ll not only have every man in America picking up a copy on newsstands, but you’ll become the official drink of the MLB and NFL. “That Brian Cushing sack and vomit on the QB was brought to you by Coors!”

Lose Those Last Ten Pounds With Hot Sauce

Fad diets are as old as fitness magazines themselves. Actually, they’re probably much, much older. But at some point, they are going to run out of foods to exploit. When that happens, it’s time to move on to condiments. Why not give the hot sauce diet a try. The excruciating pain will keep you from overeating, and the horrible diarrhea will squirt those pounds away.

Water consumption = Absolute Bullshit.

For years you’ve been told to drink eight-to-ten glasses of water per day. Isn’t it time for a fitness magazine to put this nonsense to rest. Think about it. From cancer, to AIDS to genocide, all of the victims had one thing in common: they all drank water. Well, look how they turned out! An article on the subject could blow the lid off the “big water” companies and expose how they’ve used their media clout to scare the public into drinking H20. Well, it’s about time we said enough is enough and started drinking H2-NO. That, and whiskey.

10 Days of Bacon

10 days to a healthier you? Screw that! How about 10 days of bacon? Breakfast, lunch and dinner? Bacon, bacon, bacon. The article could offer up healthy bacon recipes, like the old breakfast favorite, bacon cereal. It can also explain how bacon, a well known super food, can increase stamina and curb a variety of aliments including lupus, crabs, and crohn’s disease.

Have Sex For 24 Straight Hours

Fitness magazines often claim they can help men last longer in the sack. As long as they’re peddling lies, why not go all the way with it. It’s high time a magazine came forward and told men what they want to here: you can last for 24 straight hours. Sure, such a session might leave a man badly injured, but even so. The bragging rights alone would far outweigh the downside (aka penile amputation).