Despite being raised on the outskirts of downtown Los Angeles, I still managed to be brought up sheltered and naïve. I was led to believe that partakers of the Goodie Green were a small minority. Stereotypes dictated my thought processes when my mind conjured up the image of what said partaker might look like. Never did I imagine a world where the majority of my friends, and even acquaintances, indulged. The catalog of my friends yielded the following examples of the kind of altered states I’ve come to know.

The Idea Man

Isn’t it amazing how much more creative, inventive, and thoughtful a person can be under the influence of Mary? She certainly brings out the best in all of us at times. Somehow we manage to come up with bolder, more daring, and correlative-ly more fun things to do. We think up amazing movie ideas, hilarious comedic bits, and Nobel-worthy (in our minds at least) stories.

The Mooching Leech

Sometimes I wonder if this type isn’t superhuman. It’s as if he can hear the beautiful bubbling of bongua (that’s Hispanic for bong water, look it up) from a mile away. He then races over, smokes half your bowl, offers nothing in the form of compensation, and inquires as to what your smoke schedule is like. He’ll usually take it a step further and raid your fridge, pantry, and pet food cupboard. I wish this person didn’t exist.

The Craving Stricken

Harold and Kumar wasn’t just a fictitious work of fine art. It was an example of the gospel. Being the go-to designated driver meant I was the guide on many an expedition in the search for the perfect satiation. It seemed most sessions of a Ganj-inspired social gathering ended in me having to drive, walk with, or sometimes carry a friend to the only source that could end his night properly. It was usually Seven Eleven, or any other place that sells ice cream and/or cheeseburgers.

The Quiet and Mellow Fellow

I’ve decided that he’s the most tolerable in the group, unless you’re the kind who resides on the uncomfortable side of silence. They’re easy-going and easy to get along with. Their company is relaxing and they make the perfect type of companion for a good movie. Those who are the yappy type also love the listening proclivity and aptitude of the quiet one.

The Hyena

Here is the type that Dane Cook wishes his entire audience was comprised of because there isn’t a damned thing that the hyena doesn’t find funny. They’re in a constant state of laughter and the most unfunny thing can bust a gut in a mere microsecond. If you’re lucky, the hyena in your circle has a normal chuckle. HayZeus save you, though, if he is the clown that you always hear more than anyone else when you’re at the local cinema.

The Perpetual Stoner

One of my dearest roommates in college was a stoner by the name of Dustin K. I was astonished by the amount he managed to burn daily. The first course of action when I wake up every morning is to drain the reservoir that’s built up in my bladder overnight. His was to blaze. I can recall an occasion one early morning when I accidentally walked in on him simultaneously puffing and peeing. He smoked after every meal, during every bathing, and before every sexual escapade. I conducted an experiment over the course of two weeks and deduced that he was altered an average of more than eleven waking hours per day. In the two years that I lived with DK, I can’t recall more than a handful of days where he was sober. I miss college.

The Narcoleptic

At times boring, other times a necessity, when you want to be alone. In which case, he’s the next best thing because chances are, he’ll just pass out after toking. It doesn’t matter how much he intakes, the end result always seems to be a trip to the sandman’s realm. He’s the fine specimen if you’re in the mood for a good shaming though.

The Paranoid That I Only Wish Was an Android

He is the most frequent perpetrator in the ruining of a good high. He doesn’t ever really have a good reason, either, to get to the paranoid state that he’s in. So what if the curtains look like they’re dancing. If you truly believe that Maggie’s suckling is done in code, then go out and buy all fourteen seasons of The Simpsons that are available on DVD to analyze. Just do that on your own time, and chill the hell out.

The Philosophizing Social Commentator

The Captain Obvious in the group that always rambles on about the problems of our society and how they can be fixed. There’s no place for self-aggrandizement when you’re high. No one wants to hear about how smart you can sound, even when you’re stoned. How do you even take yourself seriously when saying the things you do in that state. Just shut your cum receptacle and heed some enduring advice of the Depeche Mode: enjoy the silence.