Nine Satisfying Reasons to Stalk an Ex

We’re lucky to live in modern times where stalking an ex is such an easy endeavor. Did you know that stalkers used to have to spend hours, sometimes even all day physically following “their only reasons to live?” So much damned energy. The olden days of stalking were just filled with that uncertainty and monotony: all night long, just waiting outside of the stalkee’s house in the bushes, crying quietly with a collage made out of her garbage that she refuses to even look at, all just to learn that she didn’t come home and probably spent the night at his house? What a time-consuming chore.

Hell, even ten years ago most people didn’t have cell phones. So if you wanted to call your stalkee and breath heavily into the phone just to watch her reaction through the window, you’d have to use the payphone across the street. Positively archaic.

Thankfully, those days of prehistoric stalking are in the past. Now that stalking is so easily facilitated by modern technology (Facebook, Google Earth and the like) the how is pretty thoroughly taken care of. But stalkers so often lose their passion for the why, and that’s where they falter. It’s sometimes easy to lose the focus, the drive to project your every need and desire onto another autonomous human being. And that’s just a shame.

Whenever you lose your verve for stalking, just remember these nine things, and get right back on the  stalksaddle.

#1 It’s Always Easier to Find the Faults in Others

Anytime you find yourself cursing your pathetic lot in life and questioning your motivation for stalking an ex, remember that it’s always easier to blame others than it is to take positive steps in improving yourself. Keep the blame in her corner, you special snowflake. Anytime you recognize a fault in yoruself, just remember: she made you that way. She’s making you do this!

#2 Vicarious Living is Real Living

Placing your life in complete sync with another human being is positively relaxing. Her highs are your highs, her lows your suicide attempt triggers. There’s no time to question your commitent when you’ve ceased to be a separate human being. As you give yourself fully to the stalk, you’ll find that living through another person takes all those nagging questions right out of your head.

#3 Work is Play

You know who doesn’t have time for soul-crushing introspection? Guys who are 100% commited to stalking. Too busy! A busy stalker is a happy stalker.

#4 Have the Upper Hand in Pre-Restraining Order Arguments

Boy, is she going to be surprised when you catch her at the supermarket (what a coincidence!) and deride her for smoking cigarettes while she was drunk on Friday night (thanks Facebook!) probably as a result of what a bad influence he is.  The stalkee might at first be a little surprised and angry that you “guessed” what she did, but deep down she’ll appreciate the concern.

#5 Pain is Purification

Stalking is an excellent way to really embrace a masochistic lifestyle without admitting anything to yourself. While many people enjoy a healthy, agreed-upon S&M relationship between consenting adults, you’re not interested in such a silly thing, because that’s tantamount to honesty and growth. It’s always better to place the stalkee in the dominant position unwillingly. Just listen to her have sex with him outside the window and have a good cry. And don’t forget to make her feel bad about it later!

#6 Rediscover Relics That Were “Ours”

In your blissful, perfect time together, you probably left a few things laying around her place. You’ve forgotten what they are, probably some DVDs you didn’t like that much anyways. But when you find that she was watching them with him the other night: ho ho ho! Nothing is as tasty to the the stalker as fresh argumentative material. Demand she never watch “your” movie with him again. In fact, demand the DVD back! Now! Remember: moral high ground is an absolute imperative.

#7 Be Able to Offer Helpful Physical Critiques

Who’s going to notice when she puts on five pounds over two months? You, you dilligent son-of-a-gun! After all, you’re just concerned because she’s not looking too healthy, and you have some tips as to how she could improve her physical appearance. Like, maybe she should start going to the gym three times a week instead of once.

#8 Arrested Development Ain’t Just a Funny Show

It’s also the state you should embrace as a stalker. For what’s this moving on business? This idea that people grow and change, and that if people split it’s not necessarily somebody’s fault? Pish posh! A good stalker holds onto a feeling of persecution and rejection forever. It’s quite a security blanket.

#9 Stalking Rectifies What Went Wrong in A Failed Relationship While Ultimately Helping to Rebuild Your Own Life in a Positive Way

Just kidding!