9 Reasons Why On Demand is the Greatest Invention Ever

Since the dawn of man, various technological advancements have altered the course of human civilization. The wheel, the light bulb, and the Craigslist “Causal Encounters” section, just to name a few. However, the advent of On Demand television is clearly the most important breakthrough the world has ever known. It’s like the Internet and the Polio Vaccine all rolled in to one.

To prove I’m not just speaking in hyperbole, here are nine reasons why On Demand is the greatest invention ever. Suck it, Jonas Salk, you punk ass bitch.

9. It’s On Demand

There’s something to be said for truth in advertising. On Demand = Television when you want it = Awesome.

8. No Driving

Here’s something we can all relate to.

It’s Tuesday afternoon and you’re four bottles into a case of Boone’s Farm. All of the sudden, you get a hankering to watch The Great Muppet Caper. So you get in the car and set out for Blockbuster, but you accidentally plow into a school bus filled with special-needs children, killing seven.

In the past, this situation was unavoidable. But now, with On Demand, there’s no driving involved. The film you want is available with the push of a button.

7. No Late Fees

The year was 2001. My girlfriend at the time had an unhealthy fascination with Will Smith. When we broke up, she stole my DVDs. $22 worth of late fees later, I found myself the proud owner of a copy of Wild Wild West even though I didn’t even have the god damn DVD.

If On Demand had existed, this tragedy could have been avoided.

6. No Cashiers

I once heard a Blockbuster cashier ask an elderly man if Battle of the Bulge was a weight-loss video. I’m not sure what kept the old-timer from beating her to death. But what I do know is On Demand keeps you away from the video store, blissfully unaware of our nation’s crumbling educational system.

5. No Other Customers

Is there anything more disgusting than your fellow man? Yes; your fellow man’s awful kids.

Why people feel the need to bring their nauseating children to the video store instead of leaving them in a cage at home is beyond me. But thanks to On Demand, the closest thing to kids I ever have to see are barley legal teens.

4. No Shame

This is America. We all have a right to privacy. It’s in the constitution…sort of.

But when I go to rent something at a video store, all the other customers can see my shameful walk through the back curtain. To add insult to injury, I have to show the title of my film to a judgmental clerk. It’s a hundred times worse than Nazi Germany!

But thanks to On Demand, I can view The Best of Transsexual Babysitters from the privacy of my own home…provided mother is out for the evening.

3. No Waiting

Having to wait an entire week to see if Jack Bauer lives is for *ssholes. I want to see Jack kill a bunch of Arabs right now! With On Demand, I can spend an entire day watching episodes of my favorite series back to back to back, and I don’t have to sit through any commercials for “The Wanda Sykes Show.”

2. My Old Friend Softcore

Remember the days when you had to stay up until 2:00 AM for the chance to sneak a peek at some boobs on Cinemax? Remember how you had to keep the sound off so you wouldn’t wake your parents? And remember how you had to go to the hospital because you accidentally grabbed a tube of “Icy Hot” instead of hand lotion? Good times.

With On Demand, the good times are here again! If you have Cinemax, all of their late-night skin flicks are available 24/7. Sure, years of internet porn have left you unable to become aroused by anything that doesn’t involve a donkey, but it’s nice to know your old friend softcore is there if I need it.

1. My New Friend Hardcore (in HD)

Yeah, I know porn is free on the internet, but high-definition television is a game changer. Low-quality streaming sites will get the job done, but for those times when you want to count the pimples on a girl’s ass, only HD will do. Thanks, On Demand!