9 Worst Places To Be Caught Masturbating

And look what happened to his career

9. Kitchen

Terrible place to get busted, simply out of sheer stupidity to choose a place that is in terrible proximity to not getting caught. There’s nothing inspiring there, you’re basically dealing with the hot girls on various packaging and nowhere to run. If your family walks in, they’ll either think you have a cake fetish or will just assume you’re a moron.

8. Laser Tag Arena

Seems like you would get away with it thanks to the dark room and people being distracted by other activities, but the black light is your enemy. Stains will be immediately noticed, and you also make yourself a terrible target and liability to your team.

7. Museum

We know the Cezanne paintings are inspiring, and there’s something exciting about being in an empty room with classical art. You have to deal with a world of trouble from not just the security guard, but all the museums’ trustees and the estate of the artist who you have just defaced.

I don't care how sexy he/she is

6. Zoo

Completely understandable that animals acting on their carnal behavior might put you in the mood, but you have a lot of unforeseen consequences to worry about. Aside from families taking a day of leisure, what if a gorilla gets the wrong impression? People have been raped by dolphins, and the last thing you want is to become your own version of The Cove.

5. Movie Theater

How many celebrities have to have their careers ruined because they really enjoyed the director’s cut of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Mugshot taken, sex offender registry and a long story every time you try to find employment will ensue.

4. Girlfriends’ Parents House

Appearing less embarrassing than other places on the list, you have just opened up an undercurrent of insecurity throughout the family tree. Now the mom thinks her daughter isn’t good enough and the dad, after he’s done beating the crap out of you, will have you barred for good. You couldn’t have just waited for them to get home and go to sleep?

How many examples do you need?

3. Funeral Parlor

Occasionally the pressure and strong emotions will force people to express their concealed emotions in unconventional ways, but there can’t be a good outcome out of this. You could possibly get away with it by hiding underneath the coffin itself, but if you start making moaning noises, you could upset a very confused widow.

2. Holocaust Museum

If you are getting busted here, then your Neo-Nazi self was probably so turned on that you couldn’t help it. However, this has now exposed your identity to the state of Israel, which you already figured was monitoring your every move and behavior in the first place.

1. Church

Sometimes you just need to express yourself and connect to God and feel so amazing that you can’t keep it in. If they have those crazy gospel people shouting their praise for Jesus, why can’t you join in with your own special interpretation of the Holy Word? You might even curry favor with the priest if you’re his type.

(Yes, obviously I left off anything child-related  for two reasons: 1) Too easy. 2) Because dammit if you’re still thinking about masturbating around kids you probably need help.)

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