Five Tips for Dealing with Your Girlfriend’s Desire to Become An “Actress”

In a perfect world, your girlfriend’s only ambitions would be to have sex and stay thin. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world that convinces women to do things God never intended them to do, like vote and drive cars. It’s gotten so bad that young girls now grow up with the expectation of someday having a career of their own.

Given that women need constant attention and validation, it’s no surprise that most of these young girls, at one point or another, dream of becoming an actress.  Thankfully, most of them grow out of this phase. However, a small percentage of the most self-absorbed among them actually attempt to persue an acting career. If you are unlucky enough to find yourself dating one of these aspiring actresses, you’re obviously in for a lot of drama. The narcissism, pretentiousness, and self-delusion you’ll encounter will be almost unbearable. But if you use the following tips, you might just make it through without pulling a Robert Blake.

Employ Method Acting

If your girlfriend is off wasting time on acting classes, who is going to cook your meals and clean your place? Don’t despair. Method acting is here to help.

Method acting is technique in which actors immerse themselves in the thoughts and emotions of their characters. Some actors have been known to take this technique to a ridiculous extreme by continuing to stay in character for the duration of a project, even when they aren’t on stage.

Encourage your girlfriend to employ this technique, and then proceed to steer her toward roles involving subservient characters such as maids or 1950’s housewives. Before you can say Lee Strasberg, she’ll be cooking and cleaning like it’s her job (which it is).

Keep Her Off the Casting Couch

If internet porn has taught me anything, it’s that 99.9% of actresses get the part they’re after because they’re willing to spend time on the “casting couch.” So, if you don’t want your girl getting railed by some sleaze-bag producer, you better go with her to all of her auditions. If you’re unable to go, be sure to research the parts she’s auditioning for. If the role involves a “bus,” a “VIP Room,” or a boat captain by the name of “Stabbin,” don’t let her go.

While we’re on the subject, don’t ever let her visit a guy named Mike’s apartment, especially if Mike is in Brazil. And if your girl is Latina, don’t let her anywhere near 8^th street. I learned that last one the hard way

Role Play

Hey, she wants to act, right? Why not take advantage of the situation with a little role playing? After a quick trip to the costume shop, you can cast your girl as a sexy stewardess, a naughty nurse, or a raunchy Richard M. Nixon.

Be Supportive…of Her Bulimia

By nature, women are very insecure. This makes talking to them about their weight extremely difficult. A few harmless comments like “have you put on a few pounds?” or “your ass looks fat, don’t eat so friggen much” will most likely earn you a one way ticket to a night on the couch.

But when your girlfriend is an actress, you have a get out of jail free card. When you complain about her weight, you won’t be doing it for your own selfish reasons. You’ll simply be encouraging her to stay in shape for the sake of her career. By leveraging her fear of failure against her, you can keep your girlfriend at a healthy 75 lbs. without coming across as the shallow jerk you are.

Make a Sex Tape

If your girlfriend does somehow manage to beat the odds and become a successful actress, she will leave you at the first chance she gets. Can you blame her? Why would she keep dating your sorry ass when she could be blowing the guy who played the wolf-boy in Twilight?

For this reason, it’s imperative for you to make a sex tape with her as soon as possible.  That way, if she does hit the big time and dump you, you’ll be able to make big money by selling the video to TMZ. Think of it as compensation for all the B.S. you had to put up with before she was famous.