You’ve dreamed of it for years…. A relationship with an older, confident woman who will give you mind-blowing sex without the expectation of a long-term relationship. That’s right… you want to snag yourself a cougar. I mean, Ashton Kutcher could probably get his fair share of young starlets in Hollywood, yet he opts for Demi Moore. The proof is in the pudding.

But how to go about it? After all, if it was this easy to do, you’d see more of it around. After all, there are so few Madonna’s, Demi’s, and “Samantha’s” (from Sex & The City).  Want ot become the envy of your friends? Here are some tips:

Where To Meet A Cougar

There are only a couple ways to (safely) meet a cougar.

1) Bars

That’s right, when a prospective cougar is hungry for boy-toy prey, she’s looking for a bit of a thrill, which usually involves alcohol and music….Most likely, white wine and 80s rock… That’s right, these ladies were teenagers in the early 80s, so also remember to stock up on your U2, Journey, and Motley Crue CDs at your bachelor pad. Oh, and plenty of Pinot Grigio. But though they may be out “hunting,” you’ll actually have to do the actual hunting. So go up to her, crack a joke (but don’t make fun of her age), maybe even use a pickup line. Flirt, have fun, and relax. At the very least, a cougar will appreciate the confident attempt.

2) Cougar Dating Sites

Cougar Dating Sites have a number of advantages and disadvantages, really the same advantages or disadvantages as all dating sites. First, you can search a large number of potential mates, as well as get a sense of their personality, likes and dislikes, if they’re possibly crazy, religious, our a transvestite, whatever.  Also, you know that if these brave, intrepid ladies have put themselves out there, that not only are they cougars…. they’re hungry cougars… which will make the “meal” all the more exciting.

Want specifics? Just google “Cougar Dating Sites” and about 50 of them come up. icougardating.com, gocougar.com, and many many others.

The only downside to these sites? Obvious. If older woman are posting their “best” pictures, there’s a good shot they might look well… a bit more “experienced”  in person.

How To Act and Pick Up A Cougar

1) Be Fun, But Not Immature

Let’s be clear, a cougar will date you to either feel good about herself, to get back at her husband or ex, or to refresh her “zest” for life after rejecting these couch-potato boring-ass professional types. So, take her dancing, be fun, energetic, and ebullient. That’s right, ebullient. Just don’t use the word “ebullient” around her unless your using to describe your style in bed. She might find it intriguing.

2) Offer To Pay For At Least Your Half

Yes, this older cougar of yours, especially if she has a good divorce lawyer, will probably have much more money than you. But at least ATTEMPT to show that you’re not a gold-digger. That’s what girls your age do. These older gals are much more hip to this. Make a move for the wallet. However you DON’T have to spend a ton on her or show off a cool car. She ’s dated more “finacially secure” men than you, and obviously found them lacking in the romance/sex department. So make sure you take care of her other (non-monetary) needs.

3) Give her Attention

But don’t smother. Odds are, these cougars are a bit self-centered, as are older men who date much younger women. That’s okay. Give compliments, tell her she’s gorgeous and sexy… but don’t become a needy, whiny bitch. Odds are, she’s dealt with a few of these obsessive needy men in her many past relationships, so you’ll be gone in about three seconds if you start to demand attention of your own.

This shouldn’t be a trial. Here’s what you do: Flirty emails, phone calls asking what she’s wearing… cougars love that, and that’s why we love them… us young studs and older cougars are in the same place sexually.

4) Be Prepared To Be A Boy-Toy Trophy Man

This means you’ll have to play the part. Work out. Stay in good shape… after all, this is why they’re dating you. But also have a good sense of style. Groom yourself. Keep your place clean. Wear Marc Jacobs cologne. Do the things that, say, Anna Nicole Smith did for that decrepit oil tycoon… just don’t go after someone that old. She’s probably going to want to show you off, so dust of your shoes and put your best physical self forward.

5) Be Adult in Every Way

Don’t blow off your cougar to go out with friends or to take bong hits and watch South Park. If you made plans with a cougar, keep them. A cougar wants you active, out and about, not sitting on your couch with your buddies and potato chip crumbs on your stomach. And they have no patience for flakes.

6) Let Her Lead In The Bedroom

Cougars know what they want. They’re not insecure about their looks or size  or any of the b.s. complaints and insecurities that comes with girls in their twenties. The Cougs have gotten over it and know their strengths, wants, and desires. In the bedroom, THEY are the hunters. Let them hunt you, impart their erotic wisdom, and trust me, you will not have a problem. Sit back and enjoy.

7) Go after the alpha cougars

There are two types of cougars: Alpha and Beta. Alphas are intelligent, sophisticated, and out for sexual empowerment to compliment their already-awesome lives. The Betas are out there to make them feel better about themselves because they’re insecure and fearsome about aging. Make sure you go after the alphas…. betas are probably more trouble than their worth… like cougars with rabies.

If I’ve missed anything…

There are many cougar dating advice forums online, like the one here.

Adhere to these tenets, ye followers of EgoTV, and good luck cougar hunting!