Athletes are famous for their outsized talents matched only by their outsized egos. So it should come as no surprise that these titans should fail utterly when required to offer apologies for their egregious offenses against decency and general human conduct. Below are nine of our faves:

#9 Mark McGwire

Apologized for: Juicin’, Roidin’, Shrinkin’ His Balls

The Apology: “It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroid era.”

Why so lame? McGwire’s recent apologies about having used steroids while he was hitting 70 home runs (no crap) came as a shock to no one. What makes the apology so lame is that 1) it comes years after an effective apology (during the congressional hearings on steroids in baseball) would have been appropriate and 2)  McGwire couched the whole recent apology in a vibe exemplified in the last part of the above quote: that he was a just product of when he played, “the steroid era.” It’s like how your family explained away your great-grandfather’s grotesque racism. Doesn’t make the behavior any less appalling. Just man up and take full responsibility.

#8 Mike Tyson

Apologized for: Eating part of Evander Holyfield’s ear

The Apology: “Evander, I am sorry. I am only saddened that this fight did not go further so that the boxing fans of the world might see for themselves who would come out on top.”

Why so lame? Tyson’s apology for biting off the tip of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a 1997 fight wasn’t really much of an apology. If you read it closely, Tyson is more apologizing for the fight ending early. The implied meaning is that a fair fight would have gone down, but, you know, something just kind of happened.

In contemporary news, the two met on Oprah of all places, and Tyson once again preferred a couched apology, this time explaining that he respected Holyfield immensely as both had come from “sewage.”

#7 Tonya Harding

Apologized for: (Alledgedly) Getting white-trash ex-husband Jeff Gillooly to hire some dude to bash out Nancy Kerrigan’s kneecap

The Apology: “I know I’ve let you down, but I’ve lalso let myself down too. But I still want to represent my country in Lillehammer, Norway next month.”

Why so lame? Tonya Harding became a household name, and a champion for downtrodden losers everywhere after a “kneecapping” of rival US skater Nancy Kerrigan prior to the 1994 Winter Olympics was traced to her. The extent to which Harding was involved remains unclear, but she was involved to the extent that, following an investigation, she is banned for life from the US Figure Skating Association.

The apology sucks because, as it reads, it’s vague and wishy-washy. It pretty much says, “I did a bad, but can I still come to the party?” Besides, “You let yourself down?” What did you do exactly, Tonya, or would that be an actual apology?

#6 Latrell Sprewell

Aplogized for: Choking coach PJ Carlesimo after the coach told him to “put some mustard” on a pass during practice.

The Apology: ” I’m sorry for what I did, and if you don’t believe that, I’ll kick your butt”

Why so lame? In 1997, Sprewell had not proven himself to be a very hard-working NBA player. He was famous for half-assing it in practice, and after his coach told him to “get serious” during a blowout, Sprewell responded in front of the team that the coach was a “f***ing joke.” So it should come as little surprise that after being reprimanded in practice Sprewell would react in an immature fashion, and afterwards make a hollow, jokey apology.

#5 Sammy Sosa

Apologized for: a 2003 incident where his bat broke during a game, exposing the nice, springy cork he’d had installed inside it

The Apology: “I use that bat for batting practice. It’s something that I take the blame for. It’s a mistake, I know that. I feel sorry. I just apologize to everybody that are embarrassed.”

Why so lame? Broken english aside, Sosa’ apology for the 2003 corking incident is lame on many, many levels. One, he’s more admitting that his “mistake” was an innocent one: hey, I just grabbed the wrong bat, guys (never mind why you even cork a bat for practice.) Two, he’s not even admitting that he has done something wrong, more that he did something accidental.  And three: so you’re corking your bat and we’re pretty sure you’re on ‘roids too? How many more artificial advantages would you like, dude?

#4 Alex Rodriguez

Apologized for: Using steroids during his time with the Texas Rangers

The Apology: “I didn’t think they were steroids. That’s part of being young and stupid. It was over the counter. It was pretty basic. It was amateur hour.”

Why so lame? Rodriguez already has been tainted by accusations that he tips pitches to friendly rival players to help them pump up their stats during blowouts. So it didn’t help things when it turned out that, like most of the other players putting up ungodly numbers in the early aughts, he was on the ‘roids. What makes the apology so ineffective is that he’s playing dumb. Nobody believes you had no idea what it was you were putting into your body. And if that’s the case, that you just took whatever was handed to you, then I truly pray for you. But still: own your errors and don’t act so freaking passive.

#3 Tiger Woods

Aplogized For: Banging everything in sight, notably a slew of skanks.

The Apology: “For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for. But there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that.”

Why so lame? Most of Tiger’s apology was actually pretty heartfelt and sincere: he admitted wrongdoing, admitted he “cheated,” (being specific!) and was specific about how he was going to rectify things. What struck a false note was his sudden attack on the media, that is, “some people,” who for the most part were coming to some pretty logical conclusions based on available facts about what went down when his wife bashed out the window of his car with a golf club.

The thing that celebrities don’t seem to understand is that nobody made them get in the spotlight. If you want the glory and the fame, you got to take everything that comes with it. It’s understandable that he’d want to clear up a misunderstanding about the very public spat he had with his wife. But is that really “the one issue you want to discuss?” Because it seems like that’s not really what everyone is interested in.

#2 Andy Pettite

Apologized for: Doping (oh, those baseballers!), specifically getting caught using HGH

The Apology: “If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days.”

Why so lame? New York Yankess pitcher Andy Pettite’s apology for getting caught using human growth hormone was laughably disingenuous. It pretty much nails every aspect of a fake public apology on the head. Vague, not really admitting to anything specific? Check. Minimizing culpability in transgression? Check. Wishy-washy language that doesn’t really admit to any wrongdoing, merely the possibility of an accident? Check check check.

And, of course, the only time you used dope was the two days you got caught. We beleive that, we really do.

#1 Michael Vick

Apologized for: Being a disgusting human being (AKA fighting dogs to the death for fun)

The Apology: “I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up.”

Why so lame: Dogfighting is right up there with kiddie rape and punching out grandmas in the “universally abhorred” crimes category. Pretty much anything short of total grovelling and begging for forgiveness falls short here. Yeah, Vick, you were immature, but you’re also woefully short of atoning for engaging in some of the most despicable behavior perpetrated by an athlete. Atonement for dogfighting  requires some old-school Biblical gnashing of teeth and wailing, not just saying “I was a naughty boy.”

But hey, that’s just part of “growing up,” right Michael?