Why Bacon is AWESOME

There’s only one food on the planet that everyone in the world, regardless of race, creed, or color can say is completely delicious. Ok…maybe not creed, since there are those that don’t dig on swine. But aside from those crazies, the rest of us know the orgasm inducing gift from heaven, sliced from the hide of the mighty beast and packaged lovingly as…

BACON.

F*** the food groups. This is ALL you need.

People love it. Animals love it. I’d bet that even plants would love it if they had taste buds. Something about bacon’s greasy goodness makes us all happy. There must be something hidden deep in our genetic code, something passed down through the ages, that predisposes both humans and animals alike to loving those strips of seared pig flesh.

Patches knows. Oh yes, Patches KNOWS.

Bacon is so incredible that it is even highly adaptable and malleable, influencing craftsmen and artisans alike. Bacon has inspired mere mortals to become gods, crafting objects and shapes out of bacon in honor of its sheer awesomeness.

I mean, really…what more can we say? Bacon is so awesome you can DRINK FROM IT!

Bacon is so incredible it even makes the mythical real!

…behold, the Narwhal!!

In fact, we need to honor the mighty beast from whence we are gifted bacon. Not only did it give us bacon, but it gives up its skin to make the football. And, of course, football is made even more awesome by eating bacon while watching the game. Why, if we could wear bacon, I guarantee you we would. Hell, given the opportunity, I’d even work bacon into sex if I could. Oh, wait…

I wasn’t really into you until you put THAT on…

If I could liquify bacon and drink it, I’d totally do it.

…And speaking of drinking…I can lose weight AND get my bacon fix?!?

If I could get a bacon enema, I’d gladly whip out my li’l piggy and let them go to market. If bacon were a girl…well…you can figure that one out yourself.

Marry me. And then fry us some bacon. Bring it in the bedroom…oh yeahhhhhhhhhh.