We’ve all heard the hype. Google is the greatest thing ever to happen to civilization and that means they are the best company to work for, right? Wrong. On the last annual Forbes list the darling of the web was knocked off its 3 year top spot by… NetApp! NetApp? Who the hell are they?

NetApp is even more mystifying than Google because it’s an organization dedicated to networking companies and applications together with unique software solutions. In fact, even Google uses them. To most of us, nothing could be more boring than looking at a screen of hieroglyphics all day and turning that into something the rest of us idiots can understand. No thanks.

We’d much rather work for companies that actually provide products we use on purpose rather than stuff that is crammed down our throats for our own “benefit.” So screw Forbes. Here is our list of Best Companies To Work For, based on a typically rough day of taking up space and destroying our precious natural resources without a care in the world.

Marvel Comics

I love to read comics while eating my breakfast of Lucky Charms and coffee. And Marvel has the best titles in the world, hands down. Any comic book company would be cool to work for, but with Marvel, you get the added bonus of having the legendary Stan Lee drop by the office now and then, looking for new ideas. Maybe the next title will be about me! Not bloody likely. Who wants to read a comic book about cereal eating coffee drinkers? Still, if you’re interested apply here.

Sony

After breakfast I like to switch on the tube and start channel surfing my favorite shows. And guess what I found out? Most of my favs are created or distributed by this crazy Japanese company that started out making cheap radios right after World War II. Who knew cheap radios would make so much money? From such humble beginnings this mega company has built a veritable empire that should be able to afford to hire a slacker like me. Not a chance. But if YOU are interested you can apply here.

Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

I usually nuke a couppla franks for lunch so I don’t miss watered down repeats of The Sopranos on A&E. But I like to treat myself to a scrumptious dessert after I scarf down those dogs. And what better dessert than a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Rocky Road? Mmmm… really hits the spot! I’ve heard a lot about B&J and their progressive policies for employees. Nothing better than some insanely rich hippies for a boss. But to my dismay, while researching this article, I found out Ben and Jerry sold out! To… Unilever? Don’t they make Scope? Oh well, they didn’t add Listerine to the recipe, thank God. BUT… looking over the career opportunity link, I see the one benefit I would really care about is still in place: 3 free pints of any flavor EVERY DAY!!! I wonder what that in-house gym looks like… But if you have no such qualms about working for The Man, you can apply here.

Samuel Adams Beer

After rubbing the TV-watching crud out of my eyes and picking up some BK burgers for dinner (hmmm… Burger King… are they hiring? Nah… probably WAY too hard to snag a job there…) I love to plop in front of YouTube, trolling for horrible, complaining, whiny douchebags or absolutely hot-off-the-presses ripped off music videos. And a Sam Adams brew is the perfect sidekick to fuel my scrambling fingers all over the world.

I saw a Sam Adams commercial recently that showed the single greatest benefit of any company, anywhere: slammin’ brews at your desk! That’s right. They actually encourage drinking on the job. Something about objective market research. Who cares? Talk about getting paid for doing exactly what you love! I’m pretty sure there’s a waiting list a mile long for even a spot on the “Office Worker Beer Vomit Cleanup Crew” but you can give it a shot if you want. Just apply here.

Playboy

My eyes are getting tired by beddy-bye time so I love to curl up with some stimulating reading materials before lights out (and last bed count) so, of course,  Playboy is the ultimate sweet dreams inducer. If anyone has even the slightest question as to why this is the greatest company in the world to work for, then I give up. Especially if you consider that Hef has got to kick sometime. And it looks like it might be soon. Imagine working your way up to the top by starting in THAT mailroom! So if you think you have what it takes to slip into Hugh Hefner’s PJs, feel free to apply here.

Good Luck On The Job Hunt!