Most Pathetic Reality Stars of The Decade

Reality “stars” are already quite a pathetic lot, because reality TV is ultimately all about humiliating yourself for other people’s amusement. Now, we like some reality TV- Top Chef, for example- but shows like that require, you know, talent, and we’ve always felt that they’re more akin to game shows than anything else.

The “best” Reality TV, on the other hand, most certainly does not require a skill set, unless you consider public humiliation a worthy trade. It just requires being hilariously pathetic.

Below are our favorite five wastes of space from the “Reality Decade.”

#5 Richard Hatch

He was the arguably the first reality star of the decade, winning the inaugural season of Survivor by being the first person to recognize that, to win reality shows, you have to check shame at the door. He lied, cajoled and manipulated all the way to the million dollar cash prize.

What makes him so pathetic? He failed to pay taxes on any of it, and did a couple years in the pokey. Come on, Richard! Even the IRS watches the TV box, ya mo-ron.

#4 Omarosa Manigault

What makes Omarosa, an early participant on Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice,” so  pathetic? Her totally transparent act. There’s acting, and there’s reality. And then there’s actresses on reality shows, and they are the bar-none worst. Her bitchiness is so joyless, over-the-top and forced, no one this side of real life would ever take her seriously for a second. It’s called charisma, and all effective hardasses have it. You don’t.

Omarosa gives a bad name to proper, ass-kicking bitches everywhere.

#3 Trishelle Cantanella

We’re starting to feel bad already. While Richard and Omarosa are almost more irritating than pathetic, Trishelle is our introduction to the truly sad. Ms. Cantanella first made a name for herself by being the drunkest person on Real World since Ruthie, with none of the charm and all of the poor decision-making. After appearing in Playboy in 2002 (which is pretty much the big leagues for reality starlets) Trishelle went on to be on a bazillion reality shows, each one lower-rung than the last.

Bonus points given for the unfortunate name.

#2 Bret Michaels

Now granted, there’s something really special about listening to “Talk Dirty to Me,” really loud, when you’re super drunk.  That’s kind of what gives Bret that extra pathetic edge: he was once a fun, enigmatic hairband frontman. Now he’s a balding, Ed Hardy-wearing reality-tool slash professional skankbanger. We blame “Every Rose Has its Thorn.”

To be fair though, Poison’s legacy wasn’t much. They were simply a fun party band. It’s not like Michaels was ever a member of a critically respected, groundbreaking, controversial supergroup. Like, I don’t know…

#1 Flavor Flav

Sometimes, late at night, I think Flavor Flav must be some kind of postmodern, Andy Kaufmanesque joke. Like, all of a sudden, while filming whatever show he’s using to hump poor girls from South LA these days, he’s going to break character and come out and say, “You didn’t think I was serious, did you? I mean, I was on “Fight the Power!” I wrote “911 is a Joke!” Nobody stands up for, or truly believes in a positive black culture more than I do! This modern ‘Flavor Flav’ is all ironic commentary on stereotypes! Can’t you see that?”

But probably not.