Thanksgiving is the oldest American holiday and represents a long proud tradition of learning how to graciously accept offerings from your host, then driving them off their land onto reservations with the promise that one day they’ll be able to open up their own Casino.

Since virtually all the gambling licenses have been handed out by now, it’s time to update Thanksgiving. Here are some new ideas and inventions which will shake up the table on Turkey day in a way that hasn’t happened since the first electric knife was used to carve up the Boss’ family after dinner and WAY too many Egg Nogs.

Dress For Dinner Napkins

Since most Thanksgiving celebrations start on Wednesday about 5 minutes after you leave work  (hey… a 4 Day weekend… how often does that happen?) it might be a little rough to roll out of the sack when the dinner bell is rung on Thursday. Just tack one of these napkins under your unshaven chin and over your 2-Day Tee, pop on a Unabomber FBI custody sports jacket and you’re all set!

Plate For People Who Sit Between

Since you rolled out of bed drunk and slapped on that crappy tie, you’ll probably be rewarded with a seat at the awkward joining of mismatched tables. No worries! This plate automatically compensates for the difference in table height and gives you an edge over the other suckers who the host wishes would have stayed home… like the kids.

The Glass Tank

Now that you’re stuck in that awkward spot with no leg room and next to the kiddies, you won’t want to have to get up too often or reach to refill your drink. In fact, the less you have to interact with anyone, the better! That’s why this never ending wine glass comes in real handy. By the time you drain this beauty no one will even notice you haven’t asked for seconds. Because you won’t be able to form a coherent sentence anyway.

Finger Forks

Being squeezed in as an afterthought means you have to watch those elbows. Do you use the big fork? The little one on the left? Who cares? Now you can just reach across the table and stab at whatever dishes strike your drunken fancy. Have to scratch an itch? Your hostess’ itch? No problem! Finger forks come in handy UNDER the table too!

Thanksgiving Dinner Phone

In case you can still make intelligible conversation but have nobody grown up to talk to, you can make a call without insulting your host. Pretend to be munching on a delicious turkey leg as you’re really driving up their phone bill with calls to 900 numbers charging holiday rates!

Turkey In A Box

Just in case your host expected you to bring something (is Thanksgiving the new Christmas?) you’re sure to be a hit with this thoughtfully cheap piece of crap. This turkey decorating kit comes complete with tail feathers, wings and a Pilgrim’s hat. Beats bringing the bird itself!

Synthetic Wish Bones

As the dinner winds down it’s time for another age old tradition. But who says you only get one chance at the wish bone? Imagine the confusion you can cause when the kid’s get a second (even a third!) chance to steal a wish from Grandpa! Pass ‘em around the table and nobody goes home broken hearted.

The Ginnifer Goodwin Adopt-A-Turkey Campaign

If you’re fed up with phony Thanksgiving traditions you can strike a blow for next year by joining Ginnifer Goodwin and her quest to replace turkey with tofu as the main course at Thanksgiving dinners to come. Wow. It’s true. Who speaks up for turkeys? But wait…. tofu?  A Tofurkey??? Why be so radical?

We say, let’s ease in to the transition. And what better way to wean us off the bird than with a nice, healthy slice of juicy BACON! After all, nothing beats bacon like more bacon!

Gobble, Gobble!!!