It’s easy to love a great movie. What’s not to like? When all the elements come together like a great story, terrific acting, mind blowing imagery and a feeling of being suspended in time for 2 hours or so, you leave the theater with a satisfied feeling of actually having achieved something. Instead of just sitting on your ass and staring at a giant screen.

The best movies in history have been based on an existing story. Gone With The Wind, The Godfather, Full Metal Jacket, 2001… Capote. Wait! What? Who let that bone smuggler into my post? I meant In Cold Blood. The point is, a great movie is easier to make when you start with a great story. And some of the greatest stories told in the last 20 odd years have come from video games. The Legend of Zelda, Grand Theft Auto and now Call of Duty have started to replace the movie going experience for those of us hungry for a great story but unwilling to get off the couch and shell out 10 bucks for a piece of crap.

So why do so many movies based on video games suck donkey d***? 3 words: Cross Promotion.

Virtually every movie based on a video game has been timed to release when the anticipation for that game is at its highest. This way the greedy bloodsuckers in Hollywood are assured that no matter what kind of crap they dash together, it’s certain to make a killing. Because, as we all know, the American Public is nothing more than a bunch of mindless lambs with ATMs for wallets.

You know, that’s actually true. Way to go bloodsucking Hollywood creeps! Maybe you should run the banks… oh wait. You do.

Anyway, the point is, movies that are based on video games have the potential for so much more than has been realized to date and blah, blah, blah… here’s our list of the Worst Movies Based on the Best Video Games.  Please read, click on our sponsors and move on to the next article. This all costs money you know… do we look like a freaking charity? Cha-Ching!

Next!

Lara Croft Tomb Raider

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)  At the time this move was made Angelina Jolie was barely a blip on the radar screen. But a 50 foot billboard at Hollywood & Vine magnifying her 25 foot jugs made her the hottest no-name in Tinseltown. Unfortunately the movie made no sense, the action was worse than a Charlie’s Angels workout video and the story had nothing to do with the game. AJ went on to greater fortune and fame though in her new role: Angelina Jolie: Womb Raider.

Wing Commander

Wing Commander (1999) Wing Commander was an exciting video game that made us feel as close to being Luke Skywalker as was possible before the Internet bubble burst. When this movie was released another bubble burst… the idea that a great game makes for a great movie. At the time Freddie Prinze, Jr. was looking for a vehicle that would stop casting directors from sending him cheesy teen romance scripts. Taking this role was tantamount to shooting himself in the head. Like father, like son.

Street Fighter

Street Fighter (1994) It wasn’t until last year that Jean-Claude Van Damme realized the only way an audience would like him in a role was if he made fun of himself. Too bad the formula didn’t exist when Hollywood blew the greatest fight game video franchise of all time by casting him as the lead.  The best thing about this movie is JCVD’s funny French “American” accent. Otherwise, we’d love to give the schmucks who greenlighted this mess a good roundhouse kick to ze balls.

Doom

Doom (2005) When Doom was released in 1993 it was basically a nod to one overwhelming fact of the time: gamers were saying “forget back story, gimme a gun and let me shoot the hell out of anything that moves.”  The howls of protest from parents, police and anybody who’s never felt the thrill of blasting away at a scumbag until you’re covered in a fine, blood-red mist led to this movie which tried to put a friendly face on friendly fire. Not even “The Rock” (who’s a good actor and a decent action hero) could lift this piece of sh!t above what it shoulda been called: Dumb.

Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros. (1993) The dream game that started the whole movie nightmare scenario. SMB is arguably the greatest video game franchise of all time. My thumbs still hurt from playing the many permutations way past my bedtime, and now I can look forward to Wii elbow when the Bros. are released next week.  This movie was so dumb that even the stars who played the characters looked ashamed to be in it. Of course, that didn’t stop them from mopping up at the Box Office.  There were more leaks in this story than a hot sheet hotel across from the Watergate. Where’s a GOOD plumber when you need one?

Doom

Lara Croft Tomb Raider

Street Fighter

Super Mario Bros.

Wing Commander

All Images From Movies.com